Say the hard thing. Kindly.

Both, or it isn't love.

I think a lot of relationship problems come from people not knowing how to balance truth and care. There's a framework I learned a long time ago called Radical Candor, from Kim Scott. One line is how much you care personally. The other is how much you challenge directly.

• Manipulative insincerity.You don't care and you don't challenge. You avoid honesty, avoid conflict and communicate politically.
• Obnoxious aggression.You challenge, but you don't care. "I'm just telling you the truth." No, you're just being a jerk.
• Ruinous empathy.You care deeply, so you delay the conversation, soften the truth and tolerate things you should be addressing.
• Radical candor.You tell people the truth in a way that shows you care. That's the truth in love.

I feel like ruinous empathy is the most deceptive. It disguises avoidance as kindness. Meanwhile the problems stay hidden and resentment starts bubbling up.

The truth in love sandwich.

I used to call it the Oreo method. Now I call it the truth in love sandwich. It came up when I was talking with one of my coaching clients about how to approach a hard conversation.

First, you start with something to acknowledge. "Hey, I'm really grateful that you're thinking about it this way." Then the truth: "Here are some things you haven't considered." Then you finish with care: "Thank you so much for bringing it to my attention. I'm super grateful for your intentionality."

What you've done is sandwich the truth between care and love for that person. You've assumed good intentions, and you've told them you assume good intentions. You're talking to them about what you see in them positively, instead of being combative.

The person leaves feeling energized, but also thinking, "They're going to tell me the truth. I don't have to read between the lines."

It seems basic. But most times the simple advice is the most effective. And it does something for you too: it makes you focus on what's good. If you're like me and tend to see the opportunities more than the good, it makes you reflect.

Treat family like your best employee.

I told one of my coaching clients to treat his family like employees. He was in a big text thread with a sibling, with the parents who own the business on it too, and the sibling said something that hit him with all the family dynamics.

I asked him, "What if that text had been sent by an employee? How would you have responded?" He had an instant answer: "Thank you so much for thinking about that. Here's some information you didn't have, but keep coming to me with these ideas." Well, there's your answer.

I've worked in family businesses. I was the president of a business where family was involved. I have people in my business now who are family. Oddly, we sometimes end up treating family worse. Familiarity breeds contempt. You bring everything from childhood into the conversation.

So pause. How would you approach any other employee? Treat them that way, with the same love, care and fairness, and no favoritism either. You might be surprised at how they respond. And even if they don't respond well, you didn't react on reflex.

Fire the yes man.

The most dangerous person in your business is not the person who disagrees with you. It's the one who agrees with you when they know you're wrong.

In 1 Kings 12, Solomon's son Rehoboam becomes king, and the people ask him to lighten their burden. First he goes to the older men who stood before his father.

The young men told him what his ego wanted to hear. That's the modern yes man or yes woman. They're worried about their own pocketbook, so they won't give you the truth.

When you find somebody who will tell you the truth in love, bring that person along with you. They'll protect your business. And you still have a responsibility as a leader to receive it and do something with it. If you don't have that person, get a coach or an advisor who will look at your business objectively and tell you when you're wrong.

One hard conversation.

• Pick the one you've been avoiding.That's ruinous empathy. Name it.
• Write the first slice.Something you're genuinely grateful for in that person.
• Write the truth plainly.Don't soften it until it disappears.
• Write the last slice.More care. Tell them you assume good intentions.
• If it's family, run the test.How would you say this to your best employee?

Here's where I sell you something.

I coach a small number of Christian business owners and CEOs. If you want someone who will look at your business objectively and tell you when you're wrong, start here.

Work with Adam ↗

The book, Biblical Business, is how I apply Biblical wisdom to running a company. And if you want your team's goals and weekly updates in one place I built Unbreakable OS for that. You can do everything above without either.

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